How to Pick a Safe Word

What is a safe word?

A safe word is a word or phrase whose meaning, when spoken, is predetermined by all partners involved. Safe sex certainly includes taking steps to protect the health of you and your partner(s), but don't forget about emotional and physical safety. From mild to wild, safety is a means to explore, play, get intimate, and release your inner desires.

A safe word or phrase is a quick, no-frills way for you to check in with each other. You can choose words for different meanings: One for “Stop,” another for “I need a breather,” another for “I can feel my limit approaching, can we please prepare to move in a different direction.” It isn't always easy to communicate in the heat of the moment - with a safe word, you'll be understood immediately.

The goal isn’t to find go until you have to "safe word out."  You may never need to use it, and may need comfort and care if you do.

Not Just for Kinksters

Even during “vanilla” sex, partners with safewords have a clear way to communicate discomfort with whatever is taking place. Sexologist and relationship expert Lisa Hochberger says in Elite Daily:

“Having a clear way to communicate ‘no’ is important to sexual health and safety…
Consent exists on a continuum – it is a fluid concept and can be taken away at any
time.”

A single word or phrase is good for immediate change. You can always say, for instance, “Could you adjust the cuffs please? They’re digging into my wrists in a very unsexy way.” But in the moment, having a quick and direct way to communicate is important.

When to Use a Safe Word

You can use your safe word(s) at any time, for any reason. Don’t wait, or try to “tough it out." Emily Morse (of Sex With Emily) tells Cosmopolitan:

"Use your safe word at any moment you start to feel anxious, you're in pain, you
become triggered by something, or just feel too uncomfortable to continue having sex… [Safe words are] necessary whenever you're engaging in play where your boundaries might be crossed if it goes too far. Usually, this is during BDSM-type play, role-play scenarios, or group sex, but can be used in any sexual situation you find yourself in.”

No matter what sort of play you’re engaging in, sex isn’t entirely risk-free. Apart from physical injury, feelings and traumas may arise. Medical issues, cramps, or other discomforts can pop up at any time. Whatever you’re doing can get intense, and scenes don’t always go as planned.

Consent can be violated. We’ll say it again: You can use your safe word(s) at any time, for any reason.

“I Don’t Need / Like a Safe Word”

Quick aside, but this is a red flag! Anyone who recognizes the risks and responsibilities that come with BDSM should be okay with following its basic rules. Among those rules: Be patient and realistic, don’t play under the influence, and use a safe word!

No matter who you’re with, how long you’ve been with them, or what you’re doing, you are allowed to tap out at any point, for any reason.

How to Respond to a Safe Word

Among the things you’ll want to discuss before using the safe word: What to do when it’s used. The first thing you’ll do if your partner calls out the safe word is stop. Remove any gags to make it easier to check in, which can be as simple as “are you okay,” or “what’s the matter?”

Try to respond as if you were the one who called the safe word. They don’t owe you any explanation. Depending on their state of mind, it may have taken all their energy and focus to call it in the first place. Be patient. Watch their body language: Are they breathing heavily, sweating profusely, pale, or otherwise in distress? If it’s clearly an emergency, you may need to help them dress to seek medical care. This may sound extreme, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

If Your Safe Word Was Ignored

You have every right to break out of the scene or activity and leave. To ignore a safe word is to cross a boundary. Your partner should always put your safety over their desire for sex. You do not have to play, have sex, or continue a relationship with someone who has ignored your safe word.

Types of Words

Easy to Say

Agreed Upon

Unusual or Funny

Non Verbal Safe Words

So what if you’re gagged, restrained, or otherwise unable to hear or speak? Even when it’s not all hot and heavy, the brain and mouth don’t always work together to say exactly what we mean.

A gesture that requires only one hand works well in these scenarios. The more obvious the better. Try:

• Drop something: Keys, glow stick, scarf, bouncy ball
• Sound makers: Dog training clicker, bike horn, bell
• Noise patterns: Hum or grunt in a clear, distinct pattern – distinct from normal sex noise
• Traffic Light System: For instance, Red, stop or pause; Yellow, we're approaching the limit; Green, good to go

69 Examples

1. Safe
2. Stop
3. Red
4. Safe word
5. Beetlejuice
6. Cacao
7. Mercy
8. Pause
9. Pie
10. Grandma
11. Socks
12. Happy
13. Sassafrass
14. Mango
15. Pineapple
16. Banana
17. Orange
18. Peac
19. Apple
20. Vanilla
21. Elmo
22. Tinkerbell
23. Nachos BellGrande
24. Potato
25. Water
26. Fire
27. Mayonnaise
28. Umbrella
29. Garden
30. Jersey
31. Ice
32. Armageddon
33. Oprah
34. Aspen
35. Cake
36. Zoidberg
37. Foliage
38. Book
39. Music
40. Binoclears
41. Jersey
42. Patriarchy
43. Oaklahoma
44. Ocean
45. Hufflepuff
46. Justin Bieber
47. Boat
48. Pickle
49. Clown
50. T-Rex
51. Star
52. Mike Pence
53. Mickey Mouse
54. Lemonade
55. River
56. Bread
57. Jacket
58. Rainbow
59. Wheel
60. Flower
61. Table
62. Zebra
63. Sunny
64. Jelly
65. Chimichanga
66. Fish
67. Scrub
68. Skimbleshanks (the Railway Cat)
69. Pumpernickle

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